(Long post is Long)
It’s week 2 and I’m starting off behind. Like. Fuck, I’m not messing about anymore/ flirting with the line or any of that crap. I’m just straight up into the amber zone.
My main problem with this walk cycle is that I am having a hard time using reference. I look at things and I see them moving, but my mind slides away like a drop of oil on water. So I’m looking, but I’m not really seeing. And then I’ve gone and wasted an hour or three basically doing nothing.
Does anyone else find it hard to filter websites? There is so much fluff that isn’t helpful at all and it’s taking way too long for me to find what I need.
Every time I go to google to look for reference I end up getting hella sidetracked. X’D I am told that having the internet as a resource basically means I have all the tools/everything I need, so why is it that I still feel like I have nothing?
There has got to be a better way! If I figure something out I will tell you, Third Person, in case you are also struggling.
I did the thing where you film yourself walking for reference, but I don’t know how to break it down and make it useful to me. I have a bunch of footage of me being a terrible actor, but now what? X’D
And flash. Oh, flash. I so very nearly have my bunny done, but symbols still just aren’t working for me. I seem to be doing everything right, I’ve started again several times and watched tutorials and been very careful with the way I set things up, and yet certain glitches keep occurring.
Symbols, man. Symbols.
I got my phone back from repairs this week and I am glad to say I have set it up just the way I want; some app information did not restore onto the device, but I have my notes saved on the computer so I’m not too pushed because there’s a way to get it back. I’m actually thinking about having a bit of a purge now that the pen is working and I no longer have an excuse not to use the sketch apps.
If you are considering a Galaxy note 3, I will say this. They are ultra sexy and sensitive to your whims. It’s so incredibly responsive it’s like it can read your mind. I have a light touch; my fingers are like greasy butterfly kisses on the screen and I like not having to mash my finger against the surface if I want to press something. After having one, everything else is slow and frustrating. And tiny. And like pecking a bit of dead plastic and hoping something happens.
On the other hand, if you have small hands, which I do, holding the damn thing is a bit awkward and you are want to give yourself awful wrist pain from griping it or trying to use it while lying down. I have this two-hand cradle that I employ so that I don’t dislocate my thumb doing stupid things like, I don’t know, trying to swipe across the screen to get rid of something or trying to reach apps in the top-most corners. (ha) But the screen is so~oo beautiful. And so big. And so very, very nice to read with.
The Sadz(TM) & Wanting Things
This is a part of me and it may not be a part of me that gets along with other parts of me, but I adopt a kind of third-person, sardonic, I’m going to narrate my day-type writing voice and it’s about making light of things I perceive to be sucky. (wow, such elegant language)
I have this thing where I tell myself that I don’t need anyone else, and really it’s to cover up the fact that I’m so terribly needy. Except when I’m not and I really want everyone to go away please, because I need my space.
If you, like me, suffer from a contrary personality, you might understand that feeling when you’re stressed, but you’re not, but you totally are.
SO the short story is that I totally let myself feel overwhelmed again despite the fact that I know it’s okay to be honest with myself and take care of myself and listen to myself - I got bloody worked up and had another implosion.
This same thing (becoming ultra-sensitive and weepy) happened last year but I was lucky because after the first weeks I was thoroughly distracted by all the good things heaped on my undeserving ass.
Lately, the people in my household are all under various levels of ‘SO DONE WITH THIS’ and ‘I CAN’T COPE’. Unwanted, untimely as these feelings are, it’s another opportunity to deal with them and ask myself what I want. What do I want to do?
Well, what I want is not to be judged for what I want. Also, I have to admit that I don’t want things I should want. I just don’t.
I want things like icecream (not really going to change the world) and I want things like cuddles ( kind of hard when you set up barriers with others based on how you perceive yourself rather than what they think of you) and I want to animate fun things that are relevant to me and my interests like kittens and Dean Winchester and men doing sexy things like existing.
So on this episode of the Sadz(TM) I tell myself, and you, random third person, that it’s okay to want things. But it’s also okay to not know what you want.
Sometimes when I say, ‘I don’t know what I want,’ usually it’s because I know what I should want, and I know what other people might want me to want, but what I want privately is the exact opposite of that. So the two things kind of butt heads inside my solar plexus which feels gross.
A far better course of action would be to just let myself think, ‘I know what I want and it isn’t that.’ And then get on with things.